I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
