i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
