Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
