I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize