1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I met the friendliest cop last night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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