I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
