we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
