im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
