Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
how does that bad decision feel?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
