Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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