party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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