my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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