im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Randomize
