I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
