i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
