I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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