i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
