Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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