I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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