Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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