Is it normal to miss your booty call?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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