Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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