it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You made out with two different species that night
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
