think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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