We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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