i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
