I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
