Cold hands, warm shart.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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