Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
