You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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