I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize