Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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