Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
