My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
