I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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