Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
