Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Small penises have feelings too.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
