My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
