Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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