I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
