Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
