I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
