12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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