Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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