my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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