I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
