her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
