I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize