DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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