just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
