she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
