Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
