wrigley field is MILF paradise
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize