Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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