just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
